Marty's Bad Day Part 2: The Funeral
by Ms. Snarky
Summary: This is a continuation of Marty's Bad Day. She gave us enough that just one day was not enough in my mind. Again if you are a Marty fan find something else to read, this is NOT for you! Its just another look inside my twisted mind! LOL
1. Chapter 1

Marty's Bad Day Part II: The Funeral

This is just a short quick story.  
I told some of my ideas for Marty's continuing bad day (frankly I think she deserves a hell of a lot more than just another day after the pain she has inflicted on all of us!) and they said I should continue it.  
I will warn you though for those that do not know me, my mind is a dark and dangerous place and I used it a great deal while coming up with "mishap's" for Marty! LMAO

This is dedicated to all my Jolie bud's!! I could never have made it through this mess without you!!  
And to all the Jolie fans!!! You deserve this and a medal!!

Following Marty's Death By Chicken Bone (not as enjoyable as Death By Chocolate! LOL) I felt we all needed to pay our respects to her so here it is.  
Respect...Hmmmmmm and if you believe that I've a got a bridge to sell you! LMBO  
So let the fun begin and I hope it makes you laugh or at the least smile.  
I did both while writing it!

Chapter 1

So Marty Saybrooke was dead.  
The town grieved and flags were lowered to half mast as the residence of Llanview remembered a great amazing woman.

Uhhhhhhh... NOT!

In fact it seemed amazingly that life went on.  
And quite well in fact.  
But Marty was still having a bad day.

First off the doctors and nurses, after discovering Marty had died (from choking on a chicken bone!) they left her lying there with the chicken bone visibly stuck in her throat.  
The local funeral home was called and were requested to come and pick her up.  
After a couple of hours, the mortician did have to finish his dinner after all, he arrived to transport her to their facility.  
She was loaded with a flip and a flop onto the gurney to be taken away by the funeral director, Hubert.

On the way out of the hospital Hubert chatted with those that he met and knew, and even a few he didn't.  
He had just pushed the gurney into the hospital elevator when he said to a passing couple:  
"I wouldn't have the chicken if I were you, unless you want to end up like the shrink here. A real shame too cause usually its pretty good, not dry and tasteless. Huh, would never have guessed it would end up killing someone."  
The poor couple looked at him then the sheet draped body as the elevator doors closed with Hubert still standing in the hallway.

"Oh crap." Sigh. "Well, I'll catch her on her way back down, she has to come down sometime right?"  
Hubert looked at the couple as they quickly turned and made tracks in the opposite direction.

The elevator went all the way to the roof and just as the doors opened a sudden and extremely strong gust of wind sucked Marty and her gurney out of the elevator. As the gurney rolled along towards the edge of the roof it began to pick up speed until it was almost flying along.

And then suddenly it was!

Flying that is! Over the railing and off the roof!!!

People outside the hospital entrance looked up and watched in curiosity as something came careening down.

Is it a bird?

Is it a plane?

Oh crap!!! Is it a chicken?!!!

As Marty and her runaway gurney made their way back to earth there seemed to be only one couple who did not see what was headed in their direction.  
And by the time they did it was too late.  
Marty and her bed of speed had touched down and flattened the unsuspecting man and woman.  
It was later discovered that their names were Frank and Dena. _Hmmmmmm, maybe they had bad karma?_

As the crash was heard inside the hospital and staff ran to witness the aftermath, Hubert made his way out and could be heard saying,  
"See I told you. What goes up always comes down. Not always as dramatically but it does come down."

Sigh

After picking up the pieces of said gurney and Marty too, he load all into the back of his van and was about to make his way to the funeral home, thankful that his job for the night was done and he could go home and watch that documentary on field mice and their life cycle, but fate had another idea.  
Just as Hubert started the van a sudden and loud backfire was heard and the engine died.

_Sigh, it really just wasn't his day!_  
After calling the local towing company and arranging for a truck to come, Hubert stood by the van waiting.

"You know Dr. Saybrooke if I didn't have bad luck, I'd have no luck at all."

Sigh.

"You just don't know what it's like to always have bad things happen to you."

After a 30 minute wait the tow truck arrived, hooked up to the van and towed it and Marty off to the funeral home.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

The next morning the mortician, Melvin came in to see who he was going to be working on that day and discovered that he was the lucky one to draw the short straw and get stuck with Dr. Marty Saybrooke.  
"Oh crap," and he walked down to the preparing room.

"Oh crap!!!!" This was repeat and would be again several times that day as he worked on her but this particular _oh crap _was in response to the great surprise he was looking at.  
Apparently Marty had indulged in a great deal of botox and now was showing its nasty side.  
Her face, although never a part of her many chose to look at for long, was now even harder to look at.

In fact a person would have a hard time knowing just where to look first.  
You see the botox has caused her face to shift, well maybe slide was a better term to use.  
It was just like how when you parted your hair in the center, this is what had happened to her face. Everything had slid to the sides!

"Oh crap!" Melvin certainly had his work cut out for him on this job, that was for sure!

Looking closely at her he noticed something strange.  
Well strange for a woman who had been shot, fell out of an ambulance, hit by a garbage truck, used as a speedbump, squeezed in the elevator doors, and then died from choking on a chicken bone.  
Oh ya, and flying off the roof of the hospital too!

After examining her eye again he looked at the file he had on her.

_Oh,_ he thought, _that explains it!_

Under the listing of previous injuries he saw that her left eye had had a trauma to it a couple of weeks ago.

It would seem a paper airplane that she was attempting to fly had instead flown directly into said eye causing her to lose some use of it.

_Well, that explains the problem with her left one, what the hell is wrong with the right?!_

After of hours of trying to fill out her face and not have her look like Lurch, from the Adams Family, Melvin finally stood back and looked at his work.  
He hadn't removed the chicken bone from her throat because well, honestly it was just too gross to go sticking his fingers down her mouth and try to yank it out.

_What the hell,_ he thought, _for once the Doc can wear something with a high neckline and show a little modesty!_

Deciding that he had done a half way good job, he decided to take a break and lit up a cigarette and proceeded to relax.  
Unfortunately he started to relax too much and began to drift off.

It was at this point that the cigarette hit the end of Marty's nose and began a melting process.  
It was the smell of burning, old chicken that woke Melvin up to discover he now had to do another "touch up" job on his client.

"Oh crap! Oh crap!!"

_Sigh_

And so started his work on trying to make her nose look normal as apposed to the melted mess it had become.  
Another hour later he was finally done, and all it had taken was some silly putty and some stucco. Along with a great deal of make up of course!

Finally done, he pushed the prep table to the side and left.  
As the day went on and Marty was left by the side, things started to pick up around the funeral home.

Well outside that is.  
The local gardener came to remove the unwanted trees and fallen limbs and to tidy up around the outside.

Now no one knows just how it happened but Marty was at some point moved outside to the area that the garden was.

As the man was throwing limbs and such into the chipper he didn't notice that the gurney had rolled closer to the chipper and closer to where he was working.  
Turning to grab a large branch he accidentally knocked the prep gurney sending it rolling slowly towards the chipper.

Just as the gardener turned back around he was in time to see the gurney hit the chipper and Marty start to slide down, feet first in to it!

"Oh crap!"  
Grabbing at her head he tried to stop her slide but her face shifted and he let go with a yelp!  
He next tried to grab her by the upper arms but the extra skin that was there just stretched.

"Oh double crap!"  
This time he grabbed her by the wrists and yanked with great force.  
Perhaps a little too much force as Marty was then propelled through the air.  
The gardener ducked to avoid getting hit by her waving arms and legs as she flew towards the back of his truck.

**THUD!**

Cautiously lifting his hands from his face he looked up to see what she had landed on.  
Or more precisely in!!

Marty had had a relatively soft landing in the back of the pick up, since it was presently filled with manure.

Standing there for a minute not knowing what to do, he just looked at her.  
Walking over to her he crossed himself and asked for mercy before grabbing her up and tossing her back onto to gurney.  
Covering her with the sheet again, he rolled it up closer to the door to the funeral home.  
Looking around to see if anyone had seen, he beat a hasty retreat and left rubber in the parking lot.

As the day went on it was finally noticed by the staff at the funeral home that Dr. Saybrooke was not where she was supposed to be and a search was started immediately.

Well it was started once everyone had their coffee and donuts and shared the latest gossip they had all heard.

Especially the gossip involving the lead detective and a certain redhead at Rodi's!

Once the search was started for the missing doc it didn't take long to find her and to also discover that she had had a "little accident" during her little tour about.

**"Oh crap!!!"**  
That did seem to be the word of the day.  
Also one that most people thought of when they had to deal with Marty Saybrooke, dead or alive.

Pulling back the sheet, Melvin the mortician made a not so pretty discovery while looking at Marty's legs.

Not that looking at her legs was great at any time when she was still wheezing but now it was even worse, if possible.

You see when she was sucked into the chipper it did more than just nip off her toe nails.

It took her toes.

And her feet.

And her calves too!

_Sigh_

_What was he to do with this now?_

Looking around to see if anyone else had noticed and seeing no one had, again cause frankly no one wanted to look at Marty volentarily, he decided the best course of action.

Pretend it hadn't happened!

_Hey, it wasn't like anyone was gonna be checking out the doc's legs anyways.  
No one had while she was alive, why the hell would they now?!_

Looking at the order form he noticed that the son had picked the cheapest casket they had.

_Guess he's got something else planned with his money!_ Thought Melvin.


	3. Chapter 3

This is the last chapter, like I said it was a short and quick one but in no ways sweet!!  
Well, maybe to some it might be! LOL

I hope it made your day a little lighter, if it did then I have done my job!

Thanks to everyone for their help while trying to figure out just how to make all this happen to poor poor Marty!!  
I love your minds and how they work!!! LMAO

And now finally on to the ending.  
Well, Marty's ending and the beginning of a beautiful romance for a certain detective and redhead!  
LOL

Chapter 3

As the day dawned for Marty's funeral, things at the funeral home were jumping.  
Well all but Marty that is!

It seemed that the priest who was to do the service had come down with laryngitis and wouldn't be able to perform the service. So another was called. One that was only used when they had no one left to get.  
And so it seemed that today her service would be done by Father Wanamaker.

As the time approached for the funeral, Marty was slipped into her cheap and unstable casket. The staff kept a careful hold on it as they loaded it all in the back of the hearse.

The clouds were moving in quickly and the winds picking up as the car carrying Marty arrived at the cemetery.

And a decent sized crowd was waiting for her arrival. Most though were not there to pay respects or to grieve the loss of a good friend.  
Instead the majority were there for the meal that was to follow, for it seemed that Todd had felt he should do something in honor of her. Well, to be truthful he felt a celebration was called for and decided that he would have it under the pretense of a memorial meal.

As the Father Wanamaker asked those there to gather around, the staff acting as pallbearers unloaded Marty.

Slowly walking towards the grave, clouds that were dark and angry began rolling in as the wind picked up even more.

"We are all gathered here to say good bye to a dear mother, friend and..."  
Snickers could be heard throughout the medium sized crowd.

Looking up Father Wanamaker scowled over is glasses.

"Silence! Pay respect to the dead or the dead shall have the last word!"

People exchanged looks as all had heard the slur in the Fathers' voice.  
Yep, it seemed Father Wanamaker had been hitting the sauce again.

As he ended the service, he turned back to the gathered crowd.

"Now if anyone would like to share their own thoughts and memories of Doc. Saybrooke..." as the priest looked out at the crowd it seemed no one would look him in the eye.

Everyone it seemed suddenly found interest in the passing clouds and the grass growing under their feet.  
Minutes passed as no one could think of even one good thing to say about the deceased.  
Even her son stood there, stone faced, thinking of heading off to Vegas to become someone else's boy toy.  
It had worked out pretty well for him with his mommy dearest!

"Does no one have anything to say?! Nothing to say of a life lost?!" Father Wanamaker was really feeling the spirits today and it wasn't the holy kind either!

Suddenly from over by the hearse a moan and a groan could be heard.  
And since everyone had been eerily quiet it caught the attention of everyone.  
Looking over a couple could be seen leaning up against the car locked in a hot and steamy embrace!  
John and Natalie!  
Well I guess the rumors of their reunion were true then!

At this point Natalie looked up and seeing that they were now the focus of everyone's attention gave John a jab in the ribs.

"Get off! Everyone is looking!" Mortified to be caught making out at a funeral and Marty's at that, caused her to turn 50 shades of red.  
Unfortunately, or was it fortunately, that John felt none of the embarrassment she did and continued to suck away on her neck.  
He also refused to back off and give her space!

"Oh come on! Like no one's ever seen anyone kiss before?! And hey, Marty would understand! She knew all along that you and I were meant to be together. Really I do believe she is up there right now looking down smiling at us!"  
John went back to doing what he liked best, kissing Natalie and making her moan and groan.

Now maybe John believed that but what followed directly after seemed to say differently.

Just at that moment the sky opened up and down came a bolt of lightening, and guess where it struck?

Yep you got it!

Marty's bad day certainly wasn't over yet!

The bright flash of light almost blinded everyone but it was the casket getting struck that got the biggest response from the crowd.

"Holy shit!"

"Good God Almighty!!"

"Damn, did you see that?!"

"Fuck me!"

And yes even a few were heard to say,

"Oh Crap!"

The lightening blew the flowers that draped the casket all to hell and left a huge blackened hole straight threw the middle.

It was at this point that Father Wanamaker, regaining his feet, started singing Lightening Crashes.

Hubert decided enough was enough and it was time to get this doc planted, so he flipped the switch to begin lowering her into her grave.  
Unfortunately the lightening must have also damaged the straps lowering Marty because halfway down they split apart.

**CRASH**

As Father Wanamaker continued his rendition of Lightening Crashes, the crowd slowly crept closer to the grave to peer down.

It appeared that when the casket finally hit the bottom the sides finally gave out and the top pancaked down.  
Now Marty was flattened in a way she never had been before.  
But it seemed all was not over just yet.

Because then a gurgling noise was heard from the hole.  
Everyone looked at each other, exchanging glances.

Could it be?

Was it possible?

Was Marty somehow in some way STILL ALIVE???!!!!!

Creeping even closer everyone looked down.

Nope

Marty was not alive.  
But it did seem that when they had dug her grave they had done so on the only spot in all of Llanview that had quicksand!

All watched as Marty, her cheap ass casket and burnt up flowers all slowly sank.  
And sank some more.

Silence reigned over the people, and was only broken as the Father started singing Lightening Crashes once again.

Todd looked around and then in his snotty voice announced,  
"Well that's done! Who's ready to eat?"

As one, the mourners began making their way to their cars.  
As Todd passed John and Natalie, who were still making out by the way, he slapped John on the shoulder and said,

"Hey Casanova! When you're ready to come up for air meet us at the Palace for food! I think you're both gonna need it to keep up your strength!"

John finally removed his lips from Natalie and looking at her grabbed her hand and started off for his car.

Standing there alone Hubert looked down into the now empty grave and could be heard saying.

"Dr. Saybrooke, you have no idea how bad a day _I have had_ and I'm just glad its finally all over. Rest in peace, and enjoy China!"

And with that he climbed into the hearse and drove away, leaving the cemetery and all the problems this funeral had caused behind.

And so Marty's bad day was finally over.

Well until she showed up in someones garden in China that is!

I hope you enjoyed and got a chuckle from this.  
I figured we could all do with a laugh or two after all the CRAP we have had to put up with!

And the moral of this story is;  
Be careful when eating chicken because if you have bad karma it might come back to choke you!  
LMAO


End file.
